A life-changing serious illness or injury can test the wedding vow “in sickness and in health” and hence your relationship on many levels. If you chose the marriage route and/or if this was a vow in your ceremony. Regardless, it is commonly accepted that however you commit to a relationship with another person, you stick with them in sickness and in health, through the good times and the not-so-good times.
Last week I was reflecting on relationships and the wedding vow in sickness and in health. Because it was our wedding anniversary, we’ve been together nearly two decades and during it we’ve had to handle many big life events. This included the neurological illness I had 10 years ago and the brush with mortality my other half had. We’ve had more than one wake-up call to life.
A life-changing serious illness or injury can test your relationship on many levels. And thereby the wedding vow “in sickness and in health” #seriousillness #chronicillness #seriousinjury #marriage #relationships #weddingvows tell a friendSo here are my reflections on how I think illness or injury can test the wedding vow in sickness and in health and what it is the couples who get through it intact do.
What does the wedding vow in sickness and in health mean to you?
What do we mean by the wedding vow in sickness and in health?
In supporting people over the years who’ve been affected by a serious health issue, I’ve seen relationships break down. A life-changing serious illness or injury is incredibly stressful for the person who sustains it and those close to them. There can be so many reasons for it. A central one is one half of the partnership is changed in some way, whether it’s physically and/or mentally. Here are some examples.
People can find uncertainty stressful – “How will I/my partner feel today? What will they be able to do?”
“I feel guilty, like a burden. My partner deserves more than this.”
The person in the caring role may not be used (or prepared) to having to help someone to the degree they have to now.
You can no longer do some or a lot of the activities you used to do together and which defined you as a couple – walking outdoors, rock climbing, having a ‘setting the world to rights’ session in the pub.
You can’t have sex or the experience of sex is different particularly if the illness or injury has resulted in sexual dysfunction.
One of the person’s priorities for their life change and become very different from the other person’s.
The stress of the current situation exacerbates issues between the couple which existed prior to it.
The other person leaves the relationship and this can be on any number of levels. Maybe they become distant. Or interact in a very different way with you, have an affair, or they walk out not wanting to deal with the situation. It can be heart breaking.
A reason that I often hear is, ‘You are not the person you used to be.’
The cynical and frustrated part of me wants to use fruity language and say, ‘No-shit Sherlock.’
A reason for relationship breakdown after a person experiences a #seriousillness or #seriousinjury can be ‘You are not the person you used to be.” Read why that is here. #relationships #marriage #weddingvows tell a friendBut that sentence, ‘You are not the person you used to be,’ highlights a difference.
No, you are not the same person after you or a loved one experiences a serious illness or injury. You are you, but you are not you as I wrote about last week. Such an experience will change you.
And people have different tolerance thresholds for difference. Some people can see past the difference to the person they married/committed to and to what they still have in common and consider important. Other people may not be able or willing to. Willingness is key.
Everyone has a different threshold for tolerating difference. This is a key reason behind whether couples stay together or breakup after one of them has a #seriousillness or #seriousinjury #relationships #marriage #weddingvows tell a friendHow much sickness and health can you live with in this wedding vow in sickness and in health?
What do you mean by health? And sickness? In the context of a partnership or marriage, how much health and sickness are we willing to deal with? At what point do we say, ‘No, that’s my limit. I can’t/ won’t deal with that.’
Notice the words can’t and won’t.
Can’t is about ability.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the skills.
Won’t is about willingness.
I am willing to do this. I am not willing to do that.
But sometimes can’t can be a cover for won’t.
How much sickness and health can you live with in your relationship?
Although I am focusing on the impact of illness on the wedding vow in sickness and in health, it can work the other way around. Where one half of a couple starts to live much more healthily than previously but the other half makes different choices. This can cause strain too.
When a couple isn’t on the same page (or near enough pages) regarding a big issue, and they cannot find a way to work through it together, conflict can arise.
Relationships can become stronger due to a serious illness or injury
It may test the couple and be incredibly stressful and the couple come through it. In my experience, this is what helps.
Read about what a couple can do to get through the stressful period of a #seriousillness or #eriousinjury to stay together and grow stronger #relationships #marriage #weddingvows tell a friendThey are honest about the situation. They would rather not be dealing with it. But they are
The couple keep communicating – the good and the bad.
The couple are willing enough to learn different ways of communicating to have the conversations they need to. When they the difficult situations, they are honest.
There’s a focus on behaviours, ‘When you do X, I feel Y.’ Rather than an attack on the person, ‘You’re being rubbish to me!’ ‘You’re a twat!’
Both parties own their feelings using ‘I feel…’ rather than project ownership of their feelings onto the other person, ‘You make me feel…’.
The person who has the illness or sustained the injury isn’t blamed for it. The illness/injury is treated as separate from the person.
They find a way to deal with issues. How they are dealing with it may not be 100% satisfactory to one or both of them, but they recognise and acknowledge that. It’s about finding what is good enough and works for now and having willingness to adapt as things change (like with sex).
As they are both changed by the situation, they are willing to get to know each other all over again. To rebuild their lives and find new activities they can enjoy together as a couple.
They are willing to accept help from others.
In short, the couple commit to travelling on the same road whilst having the illness/injury on their journey.
Couple travelling on the same road with illness or injury
What’s it like for you?
What does the wedding vow in sickness and in health mean to you? How has that been tested (or not) in your relationship? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below.
If you are living with a serious health issue, which may be a serious illness or injury or chronic illness, or are caring for someone who is, and would like support to deal with issues in your relationship, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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© Copyright Barbara Babcock 2018
I morn the loss of our marriage as I knew it. Now I am dealing with his life-theatning illness. I don’t know how to deal with it, I am angry this has happened to our lives. I am not getting what I need from our marriage which in turn makes my anger say things to hurt my partner. How can I deal with this in a healthy way?
Hello Laura. You’re dealing with a very challenging situation and I can understand how you can feel so angry about it all. I also want to say you are doing the right thing in acknowledging the difficulties and trying to find a more healthy way of dealing with it. You start off with saying you are mourning the loss of your marriage as you knew it and therein lies a clue. Often times underneath anger can lie sadness and grief. And sadness and grief could be underlying your anger. It’s about finding appropriate outlets for your anger and grief – working with a coach, counsellor for example. You can also write about how angry and upset you feel and let it reside on the paper. Sometimes other activities such as sport, walking, knitting, craft, drawing, painting, photography or something else can help us deal with really difficult emotions. This way you won’t be directing your anger towards your partner. Keep in mind that your partner didn’t ask for such an illness. It happened. It brings a lot of change with it and it impacts the marriage and you both. You and your partner working together to find a way to meaningfully connect despite the illness and get through this challenge together can help. But doing this will most likely require both of you to approach the marriage and how you work through this challenge differently than before the illness. Being flexible in order to do that will help. You and your partner are possibly dealing with one of the biggest challenges in your lives. It’s not easy. And it can be an opportunity to grow closer in new ways. I wish you both lots of love and strength, Barbara
Our marriage of 18 years is at a crisis. I retired this year due to health conditions. And now 1 of my health conditions is affecting our marriage our love ( intimate life ). I
am seeking medical care to treat my condition. But I am worried that there is no guarantee it will help. I hope we can work through this crisis. To not be able to meet my spouse needs( intimacy ) is devastating to both of us. To see the hurt and pain in her face is heart breaking to me. We are still together but isolated and distant even in our own home. I am worried things will get worse – anger , depression, etc …
Hello Thomas. Firstly, my apologies for responding so late. Your message ended up in spam for some reason. I hope that medical care has helped your condition and the issue you had been experiencing. One of the key things you and your spouse can do is talk about the issue together and acknowledge the pain and how devastating it is. Talking together may not change your medical situation, but it can help you both deal with it and its impact on your intimate life. Talking and doing things together breaks down distance and isolation. Something else to consider is how else can you both express intimacy together if the traditional way is proving challenging. Getting creative can help – using food, props, role play, etc. – and entering into it with a spirit of fun. Also, the power of slow touch, massage and skin-on-skin contact can be a powerful ways to express intimacy together. I hope this provides some food for thought and helps you both to find ways to reconnect and share. All the very best, Barbara
I often reflect the marriage vows are actually “I will” and not “I do” There is a choice, a will to commit to a great marriage. Both my Husband and I have gone through life-changing illness and disability but we have drawn closer and have a deeper appreciation of each and maybe a black humour that as we are both disabled no one else would have either of us and we really can’t run away from each other! But I hear too often about relationship break-ups due to disability/illness and I think there is another side which maybe is not talked about and marriage can be improved by difficulties, if you will it. We have been married nearly 25 years and have gone through many changes in life. We are not the young couple setting out, we have improved I think, but it is about choice. Chose to grow, chose to forgive, chose to appreciate each other and chose to love each other x
You put it so beautifully! Yes, it is a choice. ‘I will’ and ‘I do’ feel very different. ‘I do’ feels more in the present. ‘I will’ is obviously future focused. The ‘I will’ is saying ‘this is my choice’. Which side do you feel is not being talked about? How marriage is improved by difficulties? Or something else? Thank you for sharing.