You
may feel that learning how to have a growth mindset after an illness or injury sounds
like a hippy fad, or a luxury reserved for people who don’t have challenging
health issues, or it’s just not a priority as you’re trying to figure out how
to live in a changed body, sort out the impact on family dynamics, return to
work etc. etc.
Yet,
what if I said that learning how to have a growth mindset is a key part of
learning how to live well with the impact of a challenging health issue? It is.
You didn’t seek to have a challenging health issue, whether you or a loved one
has/had it. It’s been an unwelcome intrusion in your life, which can bring up
all sorts of unpleasant emotions and feelings. And that is on top of dealing
with the health issue itself.
So I want to share some tools to help you learn how to have a growth mindset. To equip you with the knowledge and skills you need on this journey to help you get through it with more ease.
But first, a recap of what a growth mindset is and it’s opposite, a fixed mindset
Last week I wrote about what a growth mindset is and why it’s important so here’s a quick recap.
A
person has a growth mindset when they believe they can learn and change
things for themselves through effort, strategies and help from others. Even in
tough situations like dealing with a challenging health issue. They believe
that their intelligence and abilities are not fixed.
When a person believes they cannot learn or change things or that one’s intelligence and abilities are fixed, that is known as a fixed mindset. Some common examples of this are when you hear people say, ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.’ Or ‘I cannot possibly learn that!’ Or ‘I couldn’t possibly be creative.’ Or they give up quickly because of the challenges, obstacles and difficult people getting in the way of what they want for themselves.
However, we all experienced growth and fixed mindsets. It can depend on the situation, the people we are with, how we are feeling and more. They are not static. Which is good. Because it means you can learn and change if you choose to.
Concept of Growth & Fixed Mindsets by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. Image by Nigel Holmes.
Let’s move on to learning how to have a growth mindset
First, you can do a mindset assessment here to learn about your current mindset. You do have to give them your name and email to get the results.
My
results said I had a good foundation but may feel uncomfortable with criticism
even if it’s well intended and I can be hard on myself when I make mistakes.
Yep! I am a work-in-progress!
Your results can give you a good starting point on where to look when you’re in fixed mindset mode. With that increased self-awareness, you then have more choices. So on to the next stage.
The 7 signs that you are in fixed mindset mode
I’ve come up with seven signs, but there could be more. The signs could be different for each of us. What I share are common ones I’ve seen in my work with clients and even myself.
For each sign that you may be in a fixed mindset mode, I offer what you can do instead.
You compare yourself to others, you look at what they have and you don’t and feel envious and bad as a result. Your mood takes a nosedive.
It
is so hard to look at what other people have which you value and wish you had
too.
I could write a lot on this and will some day.
How to have a growth mindset when dealing with ‘comparisonitis’
Keep in mind that everyone is on a different journey. Their journey is not your journey.
Focus
on your journey. Where you are now, where you want to get to and what you need
to do, think, feel and be to get to your desired destination.
Also, only compare yourself to the you of yesterday and your goals. Adjust your goals to keep them realistic and achievable too if that is needed.
You are working so very hard to your pre-illness/injury standards
and not getting anywhere
The level of frustration you are feeling is through the roof! Sometimes this persistence can actually help your rehabilitation. But if you feel like you are fighting and not getting anywhere, that is the sign you need to do something different.
How to have a growth mindset regarding your personal standards
You need to reset your personal standards so they are realistic to what you can do now and work to those. They may get you to your pre-illness or injury standards. But they may not and being open to that will make the journey much less stressful. You can read more about that here.
You’re aiming for perfection
This relates to the point above. It often comes out when a client says, ‘I have high standards.’ High standards are not bad, but you need to have a flexible approach towards them. You need to adjust them. Particularly as your body has changed and it is working double time. Your body may not have the energy levels to cope.
How to have a growth mindset regarding perfectionist tendencies
If you reread the results of my mindset assessment above, my ‘watch out for’ areas on how I respond to certain kinds of feedback and making mistakes point to my perfectionist tendencies. Yes, I have them and they are a great sign to me when I need to demonstrate flexibility and do something different. When I do that, that’s when I shift from a fixed to a growth mindset.
Reminding
myself the following helps.
Me giving 75% effort towards something is most likely someone else’s
110% helps.
The world will most certainly not end if things aren’t perfect.
Mistakes are learning opportunities.
You’re trying not to ‘give in’ to the illness/injury
But you feel tired, you feel like your illness or injury is ‘winning’. I hear this language being used a lot, particularly in the context of acceptance of an illness or injury. It is indicative of a fight, but one that is very negative.
A
typical sign of this fight is not resting when your body is screaming for it.
Because resting would be ‘giving in’. And you can’t do that because the illness
or injury would be in control.
But this kind of fight doesn’t help you. It’s also not you taking control. Your energy is so focused on fighting, it’s not freed up to look after yourself. Resting would be you recognising what you need and taking control. That’s the paradox.
How to have a growth mindset regarding ‘giving in’ to your illness/injury
If you notice yourself ‘fighting’ your illness or injury in this way, have a go at doing the opposite of what you’re doing. Chances are it is what you need to be doing.
What you can do is practice asking for help. Try it with small things first to notice your internal response to asking for help. People have often said to me their worst fears don’t come to pass.
Also make sure to ask people who are willing and capable of helping you.
Your inner critic gets in the driving seat when you struggle or
make a mistake
This can be a sign of a perfectionist tendency. Remember, you are the CEO of you so you can take charge of the inner critic.
How to have a growth mindset regarding your ‘inner critic’
You do that by taking a large dose of self-compassion and asking yourself the following questions:
What did I struggle with in particular?
And what does that tell me about me, my skills, my knowledge?
What am I learning from that? Is there a skill I need to learn? New knowledge to seek out?
What part of this did I actually do ok even well?
Asking yourself these questions turns the mistake into a learning opportunity. It works really well.
You’re trying to convince others you’re ok when you’re not
We could do this for all sorts of reasons and it’s a complex one. So today I’m only going to focus on it from one angle.
You
may fear about ‘burdening’ the other person. And this could be an assumption on
your part. That will depend on the person you are trying to convince and your relationship
with them.
Or
we may not want to deal with the kind of response we know we may get from that
person. Understandable.
Be discerning on who you try the following out with. If it’s the type of person who doesn’t do well with other people’s difficulties, don’t try it with them. If it’s someone who is empathetic, chances are it is safe to be honest with them.
How to have a growth mindset regarding being authentic regarding the issues you have with your illness or injury
If the person is close to you and it’s a good relationship, have a go at saying how you really feel. You don’t have to say everything. Just a little bit. They may respond in a way which shatters your assumption about burdening them. Their response may be just what you need.
Learning how to have a growth mindset requires these three
qualities
What I have suggested you do differently for each sign above requires you to open your mind to new possibilities, flexibility and adaptability. They help you to learn how to have a growth mindset and will enable you to go far.
What’s it like for you?
In which situations do you notice you’re in a fixed mindset? What have you done in those situations to switch to a growth mindset? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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Having
a growth mindset is important after illness or injury. I feel it is key to
crafting a life worth living when you are dealing with a challenging health
issue whether your own or a loved one’s. It’s a way of believing, thinking, doing,
and feeling and is based on the work done by Carol Dweck, a Professor of
Psychology at Stanford University. So it has an evidence base.
The idea for this blog came from the video I shared last week in which they refer to a growth mindset in relation to grief. And I thought this concept that a growth mindset is important after illness or injury deserves more attention.
Because
it can be tough living with unwelcomed changes. To the point we forget to
notice the good stuff which happens in our life. It feels like happiness,
confidence and joy have well and truly left the building. It feels like life is
so hard now and if your body has changed a lot, it feels like you have no
control to effect change anymore.
So in this blog I share what a growth mindset is, why it’s important particularly in the case of dealing with challenging health issues, and the one thing you can do to set a strong foundation for developing a growth mindset. I also signpost to additional resources.
What is a growth mindset?
A person has a growth mindset when they believe they can learn and change things for themselves through effort, strategies and help from others.
You may have to put in a lot of effort, and sometimes that can be really hard. There can be obstacles and challenges, but you persevere, look for strategies to help, and get help when you need it. You feel good with the results and you look forward to learning more.
When a person believes they cannot learn or change things or that one’s ability is fixed, then that is known as a fixed mindset.
For
example, you believe that intelligence is fixed and you can’t or don’t want to change
it. You here this in the saying, ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.’ Or
when someone says, ‘I cannot possibly learn that!’ or ‘I’m not creative.’
Challenge,
obstacles and difficult people get in the way of getting what you want for
yourself. You give up. There’s no point. You cannot effect change. And you
generally don’t feel happy, able, satisfied, etc.
You believe that your body has changed so much it’s beyond repair.
You believe that some gains in your rehabilitation can be made.
What you think and say to yourself as a result of your belief
“What is the point of doing physiotherapy? Nothing is changing. And I’m never going to be able to things like I used to!”
“I want to learn what I can be doing to help myself.”
What you do as a result, i.e. how that belief manifests itself in your behaviour
You don’t do physiotherapy and choose to watch tv instead.
You find a physiotherapist who specialises in treating your condition. You have a family member help you from time to time with your physio.
The outcome of the above
Due to reduced movement, your function has deteriorated. You now have to use a wheelchair full time. You have to rely on others a lot to get out and about.
Doing your physiotherapy exercises improves your balance and mobility. You can now use a stick when walking outside whereas previously you had to use the wheelchair.
How you feel about the outcome
You feel frustrated you cannot move as freely as you used to. But this is life.
You are pleased you can use mainly just the stick to get out and about.
This is a simplified example. With some conditions, gains in rehabilitation won’t be large, they can be minimal over time. Efforts at rehabilitation may largely prevent you from getting worse rather than improving your functionality. Also, having to use a wheelchair full time is no bad thing at all. A wheelchair can be someone’s legs enabling them to get out and about in the world.
What I am highlighting is the mindset you start out with, the end result, and how you feel about the end result. So even if you can’t change your physical functioning due to the health issue, the growth mindset applies to how you feel about it and deal with it.
Concept of Growth & Fixed Mindsets by Carol Dweck, Ph.D.
Image by Nigel Holmes.
We all have a mixture of growth and fixed mindsets
In some situations, or with certain people we may have a growth mindset. In other situations, or with other people, it may be more fixed. We will experience both at different times. And they change as we change and experience new things. Growth and fixed mind states are not static.
Why a growth mindset is important
A growth mindset means
we are more flexible in our outlook, we can see the negatives and
the positives,
we view the effort and struggle required to learn and do something
new as part of the process rather than something that is negative and must be
avoided,
we can learn from mistakes, failures and challenges rather than wallowing
in them and giving up,
we are more willing to ask for and accept help from others, and
we see or can create the opportunities for ourselves.
In short, we believe we can learn. Even if there are challenges, obstacles and unhelpful people on our path. We find a way over, above, under or around them. And we learn from these experiences. As well as learning from experiences when things have gone well and came more easily to us.
Why a growth mindset is important after illness or injury
A growth mindset can help you to more quickly find ways to manage your health issue, live well enough with it, and also to thrive and flourish. It enables you to take control.
How quickly this happens for you is impossible to say. It depends on how developed your growth mindset is, when it is in operation or when a fixed mindset takes control.
Due to the inherent belief of a fixed mindset that making change is not possible, it can be harder for you to live well after experiencing a serious illness or injury. Ultimately, it can make it harder for happiness, confidence and joy to walk back into the building.
It is understandable how a fixed mindset can come about
You can become conditioned over time to focus on the difficulties and negative aspects of your health issue because you deal with it daily. For example, you know how difficult it can be to deal with a really tough treatment like chemotherapy and all its side effects. Or a lot of uncertainty about how your symptoms like chronic pain or fatigue will be from day-to-day and therefore what you can do. Or fear of relapse. Learning how to live in a changed body that doesn’t do what you used to do and still want to do.
After a time, the difficulties, fears and negative aspects become all you know. You can forget to focus on positive experiences and good things that happen. You may feel stuck in the pit of negativity and not see a way out. With some clients, a large part of our work is developing that way out.
The
work involves making a conscious effort to focus on good stuff that happens and
nice experiences, however small they are (tiny is fine). Doing this reminds you
of your ability to notice the good and positive things in your life and strengthen
it. This helps to restore a sense of balance to your experiences and therefore
how you feel. I think of it as setting the foundation for developing a growth
mindset.
You can see why developing a growth mindset is important after illness. It ensures you don’t end up living in the pit of negativity.
So yes, it is possible to develop a growth mindset
Even if the situation which has caused all the changes to you and your life was unwelcome and traumatic like a life-changing health issue often is, it is possible with time to develop a growth mindset from it. This isn’t to say you have to be 100% positive and happy all of the time because that is just unrealistic. Nor is it to say you should not or won’t experience difficult emotions. You may and you acknowledge them as I wrote about last week. And you also learn from them.
How
you develop it is a blog I’ll write for another day. But now you know why a
growth mindset is important after illness or injury, here are some good
resources to learn more about the topic.
In which areas of your life do you feel you have a growth mindset and in which areas a fixed mindset? What has contributed to that? What resources would you like to help you develop a growth mindset? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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What is grief in the context of your illness or injury? Should
you be grieving for what you’ve lost as a result of it?
Well that depends. Every person is different. Every person will have different beliefs about grief. And everyone grieves differently. So you will all have different responses to experiencing a life-changing illness or injury, whether you or a loved one has.
A member of the Return To Wellness® community asked me those questions. They are good questions. Hard questions for which there are no easy answers as you might have already guessed. I’m going to have a go at responding to them. But I want to go back to basics first.
keen
mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful
regret
a
cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow
We typically associate grief and grieving with the death of someone we know. When you lose someone whom you may have been close to, you miss them, you feel that loss of them in your life, you feel sadness and maybe even pain. Numbness and anger can also be present. But you can feel these feelings in relation to other difficult situations in life.
What is grief in the
context of your illness or injury?
Grief in the context of your illness or injury is similar to the death of a loved one. The similarity is in the loss. When you or a loved one has experienced a life-changing illness or injury, there can be losses. The person you or your loved one once were. Your (or their) abilities to do certain things perhaps. A loss of perceived health. There can be any number of losses.
You might really value what you have lost. And feel sad and angry about the losses and all the change that has meant for you. The sadness and/or anger may feel incredibly intense at times. It may feel really painful. And at other times, the intensity lowers a bit. Regardless of its intensity, that sadness and pain you feel is grief.
Should you be grieving for
what you’ve lost as a result?
I think grief and grieving can scare people. It is often associated with crying, tears, and being sad. And it feels as that is taboo in our society to do. If we look sad or get emotional, people rush to say and do things to help us feel better. They tell us, ‘Oh no, dear, don’t cry! It’ll get better.’ They make us a cup of tea. Etc. etc. British culture compounds this as we’ve got the sayings, ‘Be strong, carry on’ and ‘Stiff upper lip.’
It’s also almost as if we are not allowed to experience the
emotions and feelings associated with losing something. We aren’t allowed to
grieve.
Or we feel it’s only reserved for when someone has died. And given you or your loved one have not died from the illness or injury, you may feel you don’t have a right to grieve. Because you’re alive, right? You should just feel thankful and grateful.
Sadness can exist
alongside feeling thankful and grateful
On the other hand, I often hear people who have experienced a life-changing illness or injury encouraging others who have more recently joined the club (so to speak) to grieve for what they have lost. They go on to explain that it helps to mourn as if the experience of the illness or injury was a death.
And it is. A life-changing illness or injury changes things. You have your life before. Then your life afterwards. Your life before has ended. A death is an ending. And endings can be hard. So alongside feeling thankful and grateful that you or your loved one are alive, you can also feel intense sadness and/or pain.
So what does grief in the
context of your illness or injury look like?
How do you grieve?
There is no ‘right way’ of grieving. A client once said to
me that their illness was like a death of sorts. They talked about it a lot but
did not cry. Other people will be in floods of tears and not able to speak.
Others may do something in between.
Some people might take themselves off somewhere to engage in
activity when they feel grief coming to visit. This activity might be
woodworking, running, walking, rolling, cooking, baking, drawing, painting,
writing, knitting, sewing, reading, swimming, it could be anything.
Other people will want to find someone else or a group to talk about it with. To be with people like them who get it.
The most important thing
to do with grief in the context of your illness or injury
The phrase that is coming to me is honouring your grief. I am not saying to unpack and live there forever and ever. Just to acknowledge it and give it some attention. It is there because you feel sadness, emotional pain, possibly anger, regret, numbness and any multitude of feelings and emotions.
You acknowledge it by simply saying, ‘I lost XYZ due to this
illness/injury. I miss that. I feel ABC about it.’ And let yourself feel
whatever it is you feel.
It’s important to acknowledge all that. Because it is part
of your experience. And your experience is valid.
It’s important to acknowledge all that. Because it is part of your experience. And your experience is valid. I appreciate this is difficult. It is not a walk or roll in the park.
When you get in touch with these emotions and feelings, you are saying to yourself that your experience matters, that it is valid. And hence you are valid. From a psychological perspective, this self-validation is incredibly important and healthy to do.
Then let your grief be a catalyst for something new
This video explains a lovely concept about growing around your grief. Although this video is in the context of how childhood grief can spur success, this concept of growing around your grief equally applies to experiencing a challenging health issue.
They talk about growing around your grief so you are not
suffocated by it, making sense of what has happened to you, and having a growth
mindset. A growth mindset is about proactively finding ways to grow in the way
you wish from the experience.
This doesn’t mean that you have to live your illness or injury and assume it as your identity. It is about getting on with your life in the way that is meaningful for you.
What’s it like for you?
What has grief in the context of your illness or injury been like? What has or would help you get on with your life in a way that is meaningful for you? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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Are you aware of when you’re carrying other people’s shit?
And do you know how to let it go?
These are important questions. Because when you or a loved one are living with a challenging health issue, the last thing you need is carrying other people’s shit around. That takes energy. You end up having less energy to do good things for yourself.
So I am going to share the signs that you might be carrying
other people’s shit.
And the one question you can ask yourself to help you stop
carrying other people’s shit.
Apologies in advance for using the word ‘shit’. I am using it because sometimes fruity language helps to get a point across. An alternative word is ‘stuff’. In quotations.
Here are some of the signs
that you might be carrying other people’s shit
You react on automatic pilot to events or what people say. And try to control a lot as a consequence. But this isn’t getting you anywhere.
You feel like you question yourself, your ideas and motives a
bit too much.
You over analyse and over think things a lot.
You hear yourself say a lot:
S/he made me feel…
If only they would…
Why can’t they…
They had better do…
S/he never does…
You feel stressed a lot of the time.
You do what other people think you should do. And feel crestfallen
when you do that. You feel like you’re doing stuff to please other people a lot
of the time.
You’re feeling like you are not getting to do what you want
to do.
You’re just not taking action to move forward in your life yet
you want to.
If you have ongoing symptoms due to your health issue, they feel worse when you’re feeling stressed. Which is a lot of the time.
You don’t listen to what your gut (or instinct or heart) are telling you very much.
It’s tiring to carry other people’s shit like that
Not only is it tiring. For all you know, you have one life. Why live it like that? You’re plenty busy already living with your or your loved one’s challenging health issue.
The one question which
will help you to stop carrying other people’s shit
When you feel yourself over thinking something, questioning yourself too much, not taking action, or doing one of other the things mentioned above, ask yourself this simple question:
Is this my shit or someone else’s shit?
It might be yours. But often times, it can be someone else’s.
When you ask yourself that question, pause and notice what comes up. It can be memories, unpleasant or otherwise, from when you were young. It may be your parents saying or doing something to you or others.
We learn to carry other people’s
shit from a young age. You tend to pick up messages from the key people in your
life about what you should or should not do. These are usually from authority
figures like parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, friend’s parents, bosses
at work, etc. But can also be from friends, colleagues, people you have experienced
bullying from, spouse/partner and kids.
You can also ask yourself the question:
If someone else in my life said the kind of stuff I’m telling myself now, who would that be?
I have found clients can pretty quickly identify who in their life they have learned these messages from.
Once you have that awareness, you know it’s not your shit.
As you do this more and more, you learn how to spot more quickly whether you are carrying other people’s shit or your own.
So how do you actually stop
carrying other people’s shit?
You have to make a conscious choice to let their shit go.
One way to do that is to start listening to yourself much more closely a lot more of the time. To increase your self-awareness. And to notice not only your thoughts, but also what your body is telling you.
I often request clients to sense into their gut feeling (or intuition or heart) to feel what is right for them.
They often know what is good and right for themselves. I bet you do too.
The bonus of not carrying other people’s shit is…
There are several actually.
When you stop carrying other people’s shit, the stress you
feel reduces. You feel calmer.
If you live with ongoing symptoms due to your health issue,
you may find they lessen. I’ve seen this with clients who have reported feeling
less pain and then worked with their doctor to reduce their pain medication.
That’s big stuff.
Your energy is freed up. You have more capacity to carry
your own energy and using that to do good and healthy things for you.
And you’ve got your own shit to carry. Which isn’t
necessarily a bad thing. I’ll tell you why.
Your shit is your worst habits, the not-so-good bits about your personality and behaviours. It’s your shadow side. We all have one. You’re not alone.
But when you become aware of your shit, and how it impacts you and others, then you have more choices. You can choose to do something different and there is a good kind of energy to that. Your shit paradoxically ends up becoming fertiliser for doing what you want in your life.
What’s it like for you?
When do you know you are carrying other people’s shit? What are the signs? What has been the impact for you of not carrying other people’s shit? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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You may be of the opinion that accepting help is not a good thing to do. Because you may feel guilty for feeling like a burden to someone. Or you feel bad or even ashamed because you now need help. Maybe you’re afraid of being seen as needy. Or worried that people will say no and you’ll look stupid in some way.
It’s understandable to feel this way. There are so many reasons why accepting help is seen as a no-no, or a last-ditch effort. But some of these reasons are culturally ingrained and actually don’t help us to help ourselves.
If you’ve read my blogs before on this topic, most recently on losing your independence due to illness or injury, and regaining it, you’ll have seen I’ve been writing about this topic from different angles over the past few years.
In this blog, I want to make the case for why accepting help
is good for you. If anything, to get you thinking, and maybe challenge your
assumptions around accepting help. So that the next time you are in a position to
accept help (or not), you can make a really informed decision for yourself.
But first, let me share an
example of accepting help
A recent example is Eliud Kipchoge who was the first person to run a marathon in under two hours on 12th October 2019. He didn’t do the effort alone. It was a meticulously planned event which took several years of preparation. It involved a sponsor, his coach, his training team, the city of Vienna, the 41 pacemakers and a whole lot more people I am sure.
Eliud had to enlist their help and support. And if you
watched the race, you would have seen how happy they were to be doing that. The
pacemakers consistently said, ‘I am very happy to be doing this. It’s an
honour.’
They relished in giving their help. Eliud received it all and used it to do what he does best, run a marathon in the time he was aiming for. They received the satisfaction of knowing they helped a fellow runner and the glory of being part of this historic challenge and helping to make it happen.
You see the mutual
exchange that is happening?
Eliud asked for help. He received it. Those who helped got something in return. This is a healthy form of giving and receiving.
There is also an added bonus in what he has done for others which was best put by his coach Patrick Sang: “He has inspired all of us that we can stretch our limits in our lives.” I’m sure we’ll soon be seeing more people running marathons in under two hours.
I think this is why some people fear asking for and accepting help. They fear feeling dependent on the other person. They may even feel beholden to them, i.e. they now ‘owe’ the other person.
But there is value to
interdependence
Interdependence creates connection. With others. And you know what? We humans thrive on that. Serious illness or injury and chronic illness can be very isolating. When we refuse genuine offers of support or help, which would really help us, we can inadvertently isolate ourselves further. So we don’t give ourselves the chance to stretch our limits.
The connection of interdependence shows that we matter
Esther Perel put it beautifully in her email newsletter of 5th August 2019:
“For when we know that we matter to others, it gives us a significance.”
Esther Perel
When someone is genuinely willing to help us, we know we
matter. When we are genuinely willing to accept their help, they know they
matter.
Knowing that we matter to someone else is a very validating
experience. We feel affirmed. We’ve been acknowledged. Witnessed. This is the
stuff that feeds our self-esteem.
There is so much value in the connection created by inter-dependence.
For this to happen, both
parties have to want to give and receive
The giving and receiving is mutual. There’s also a rhythm to giving and receiving.
When I ask for help, the other person says yes to giving
help. (Provided we ask the right person to help us, i.e. they are willing to
help us and capable of helping us.)
I say yes to accepting help.
The person helps me do what I need/want to do, be or
achieve.
The person giving receives satisfaction in helping me. They know they did a good thing. They feel good.
But by only being willing
to give and not accept help, we disrupt that rhythm
We’ve got a lot of people wanting to give, but not people
willing to receive.
Accepting help is difficult for many people for the reasons
I initially stated. Sometimes those reasons are valid. Other times, they
aren’t. When they aren’t, this is often due to society’s assumptions around
receiving help, i.e. being seen as too ‘needy’ or not capable, or needing help
is a sign of weakness.
This ends up disrupting the rhythm of giving and accepting help in an unhealthy way. We’ve ended up with this imbalance in society where it’s ok to give, but not ok to receive.
You often see the saying
‘giving is receiving’
It works the opposite way too. Receiving is giving.
Coming back to the example of Eliud Kipchoge above, by
giving and accepting help, you enable good things to happen. You stretch the
limits of what is possible for yourself and others.
So keep that healthy rhythm of giving and accepting help going.
What’s
it like for you?
What do you think about accepting help? A good thing or not? What’s your thoughts on the rhythm of giving and accepting help? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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It’s so easy to give up when something feels really hard
going. You try something to improve your health, make something good happen and
it doesn’t seem to work. So you want to throw in the towel, i.e. give up.
This has happened to all of us at some point. But you also know that even though it’s so easy to give up, it might not ultimately be the best thing for you and your health.
So what do you do?
Good question. That is the point of this blog. I was inspired to write it by this picture I came across on Twitter created by Anna Vital at www.adioma.com (@annavitals on Twitter).
Picture created by Anna Vital (@annavitals on Twitter) at www.adioma.com
I read it and thought, ‘Yes, those are the reasons why it’s so easy to give up!’
But then I thought people will ask, ‘What can I do then?’
So this blog is meant to help you start addressing your reason for giving up on making a change you know is good for you. And in turn increase your chances of keeping going and achieving what it is you want for yourself.
Let’s address each reason
for why it’s so easy to give up
There are 16 of them so in an effort to not write a book length blog post, which I could easily end up doing, I am going to just give a few pointers for each reason.
1. Expect fast results
You know the saying, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day.’ Dealing with an unexpected challenging health issue is not easy and can bring up a lot of emotional stuff. Sometimes change can take time.
Also keep in mind that when you learned to walk as a baby, eat with a knife and fork, learn to tie your shoes or something else you did early on in your life, or drive, it took you time to learn how to do it well. You made mistakes. And at those times you were often applauded for having a go and failing!
2. Stop believing in themselves
When you start to make a change and do something new, of course you may not believe you can do the new thing yet. Because you haven’t done it yet. You haven’t shown yourself, that yes, I can do this. That is ok.
What you can do is believe in yourself just enough, doesn’t
have to be 100%, to take the first small action. Believing that you can learn
from mistakes you may make is also important. See point 4.
Coaching is great for looking at what is stopping you from believing in yourself and helping you find ways to strengthen your self-belief muscle.
You may have a preference for focusing on the future, past or present. I think a balanced enough focused on all three is good. We can learn from the past, just be in the present and the future focus can help us reach our goals.
But sometimes we can get stuck in the past in an unhealthy
way with a focus of ‘everything was better and easier back then’ and everything
now is difficult. This can be a form of denial and avoidance of our current
reality and how we feel about it.
It’s not uncommon to see people do this after a life changing illness or injury. And it’s an understandable reaction. Yet to remain in this place, with all the associated unpleasant feelings and emotions it can bring up, may not be healthy over time for you or your loved one.
This is a tough one. Sometimes things have to get so bad for the person to finally realise, ‘I’ve had enough. I need to do something to get our of this place.’ When a person experiences that kind of resolve, that is when they often come for coaching.
4. Dwell on mistakes
Yes, we can dwell on our mistakes. We want to be able to do it right first time. Because that feels good. Reread point 1.
Mistakes, as unpleasant as they can be at times, are
actually a gift. They tell us what doesn’t work. So we can cross that off our
list. Also, keep in mind what FAIL stands for:
First Attempt In Learning
5. Fear the future
The future represents the unknown. And not knowing means uncertainty. Which may bring up discomfort for you. So it can be easy to stay in your current routines because it is what you know and are comfortable with.
Also see point 10.
6. Resist change
This links to points 5, 4 and 3. Sometimes these are the reasons people resist change. It can also depend on how much change the person has dealt with in their life. If they aren’t used to dealing with change, they may not have the skills to do so.
Some of the skills and qualities that help in dealing with change are the ability to live with uncertainty, being comfortable enough to make mistakes, to learn from the mistakes, to learn something new, adaptability and flexibility.
7. Give up their power
People can easily give up their power for all the reasons mentioned here. But they may also be used to focusing their energies on what they cannot change. You often hear it in the language people use.
S/he made me feel…
They make it so hard for me…
If only they would…, then I could…
The language is focused on what other people should or could
be doing for the person. The person isn’t taking an active role. When that
happens, the person gives up their power.
Rather than that, what I recommend is you focus what is in your control and influence to do.
8. Believe in their weaknesses
In this case, the weakness is often a benefit to you in some way. As long as it’s a benefit which you value, it’s so easy to give up on making a change.
9. Feel the world owes them something
This links to point 7. I find people who feel the world owes them something are less likely to do something for themselves. They give up their power as a consequence.
We can wait around all day for people to owe us what we feel
we deserve but we could end up waiting a very long time.
Instead, take action which is in your control and influence to do.
10. Fear failure more than desire success
This links to point 5, 4 and 2. The fear of failure outweighs the benefits of success.
There’s that book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. And that is often the case when we are trying to do something new which is good for us. We have to hold on to the fear and have a go anyway.
I feel our fear has a place. It has a need. If you acknowledge its place and discover what it needs, that can help you to hold on to the fear in a more partnership kind of way as you go on and do new and good things for yourself.
11. Never visualise what is possible
A visualisation exercise of future possibilities is always a good thing. But some people don’t have a developed inner visual sense or are unable to due to how their brain is wired. Some people use more of their feeling or hearing sense when processing information internally.
If you have an auditory preference, you can tell yourself a
story of what is possible. If you have a feeling sense, you can imagine what
you would feel if you have achieved what you wanted for yourself.
And if you can visualise, tell yourself a story and feel what success would feel like for you, do all three!
12. Feel they have something to lose
This is one of the reasons why you may resist change (see point 6). When you make a change, even if that change is something good for you and something you want, you lose something. If you value what you lose more than what you will gain from making the change, you won’t make the change.
13. Overwork
If you have a lot of other stuff demanding your time and energy right now, you may not have the energy to make the change you want. Or maybe the change feels so big, it feels like too much all at once.
In either case, break the change down into small actions. Tiny actions. Small is achievable. Small is good. Taking a small action helps to fuel the motivation to stay with. Good stuff that.
14. Assume their problems are unique
It can feel like your problems are unique because you don’t know anyone else who has them. Chances are, there is someone or even many people out there who have experienced your problem.
As I wrote previously, change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Find people like you as they can share what they have learned.
This links to points 7 and 9. Yes, you may feel sorry for yourself. And that is natural to feel from time to time. When you feel sorry for yourself, it is often about you missing something you value. That is ok.
But if you unpack and live in the sorry-ness, that makes it
harder for you to make the changes you may wish for yourself. Giving yourself
the opportunity to mourn what you have lost means you acknowledge the value it
held for you and how you feel about it. Doing that helps you to move beyond the
sorry-ness and grief.
When you’ve done that, then that energy is freed up to help you make the changes you want for yourself.
What’s it like for you?
Which of these reasons for giving up resonate with you? When you have felt, ‘Gosh, it’s so easy to give up right now!’ what did you do to keep going? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
Pass it forward
Know of someone who would benefit from reading this blog, or you just want to spread the ideas, click on the icons to share.
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