Learning how to fall in love with yourself after illness or
injury felt like the most appropriate topic to write about given Valentine’s
Day is this week. We see so much about being in a couple at this time of year,
but how are we in being with ourselves? And what about after a challenging
illness or injury which has changed your body?
Learning how to fall in love with yourself after an illness or injury can feel difficult. It’s not uncommon to feel like your body betrayed you, or you have this illness that is like an invader you are trying to fight, or you’re frustrated with how your body has changed and what you can no longer do as a result, or you live with the fear of relapse.
How can you fall in love with yourself after illness or
injury with all that going on?
I believe you can. Because I’ve helped myself to do that and have helped others too. So I know it can be done. And I share an exercise here to help you do that.
This exercise is a bit different. It asks you to be with yourself in a way we may not always do in our society because we are rushing around, thinking what to do next, etc, etc. This exercise is about slowing down and listening to your heart/ gut/ intuition/ soul, whatever you call that part of yourself which may or may not have much of a voice in your life.
I’d like to acknowledge Heart of Business whose work around acknowledging your needs when in business for yourself inspired me to write this blog.
An exercise on how to fall in love with yourself after illness or injury
Make sure you’re comfortable enough. You can stand, sit or even lay down for this exercise. And you have a bit of quiet time to yourself with hopefully no or minimal interruptions.
Remember a time when someone asked you, ‘How are you doing?’
or ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘Can you go out with us today?’ with that
questioning look in their eye and you just didn’t want to give them the honest
answer about how tough things really are for you. Or maybe you tried to do
something but due to all the changes you have experienced, you struggled and
felt frustrated. Or it could be one of those times when you feel hopeless that
your circumstances will change for the better.
Just notice how you felt in that moment and what you wanted.
If it felt uncomfortable, hard or you felt like you had to give people the
answer they wanted to hear, annoyance or something else, just be with what you
felt at that time.
What do you notice?
What are you feeling? If that feeling is a sensation in your
body, where in your body do you feel it? What is the sensation like? A knot,
waves, a pounding, a numbing sensation, something else?
As you feel whatever you feel, ask yourself:
Is love available for me here?
What is the purpose of that question?
It’s to raise our awareness of how we are or aren’t tapping into our own self-love when we may most need it. This quote explains it well.
“When you find the love, you find yourself.
The secret is in the love. You are the love, not another.
Everything is in the love, and everyone needs the love.
When you have the knowledge of the love, you feel peace
in your heart.
The jewels are inside you.”
Music of the Soul, by Sufi Sheikh sidi Sa’id al-jamal
Think of love as a jewel, which is inside of you.
Ask yourself that question again: Is love available for me
here?
Notice again how you feel as you ask yourself that question.
When you ask yourself that question in a moment of discomfort,
your needs can feel heightened.
Then ask yourself:
What is it I truly want for myself? What am I yearning for?
Sometimes what people often want is to go back to the
person they were before their illness or injury
That is understandable. After a serious illness or injury, you are a changed person.
You may yearn for that or something else: acceptance of your
situation, a person to love you as you are now, understanding from the people
around you, something else.
If you yearn for something physical – and it could be
anything like money, a new wheelchair, a new job, whatever – ask yourself:
And if I were to get that, what would that give me? How would I feel then?
Often times it is a quality like acceptance or acknowledgement, self-compassion, certainty, strength, truth, belonging, or something else.
This is a need you have
Just be with yourself and notice you have a need without any expectation of changing it. This isn’t about judging the need as bad or good. It’s also not about judging yourself as less than for having this need. And it’s not about collapsing into the need in a way that depletes you. It’s about acknowledging the need. It is what it is.
As you sit (or stand or lay down), open yourself up to receiving whatever it is you need. So if it’s acknowledgement of your situation, open yourself up to receiving acknowledgement.
This may sound kind of abstract. You may be wondering…
How do I open myself up to receiving what I need?
There are different ways you can do this. How you do it may be different from someone else and that’s ok.
Some people like to physically arch their back a bit so
their chest is open and shoulders are back. They then consciously think of
receiving acknowledgement for example. Or acceptance. Or self-compassion or
whatever it is you need.
Or you may skip the physical gesture of arching your back to
open your chest and just consciously think of receiving whatever quality you
need and notice how that feels in your body.
Hint: I recommend you focus not just on the thinking aspect, but also how it feels in your body. This helps to make change happen because you are doing that on different levels – the body and mind – which is a holistic approach to change.
I like to think of a watering can above me that pours the quality I need over me. Like in this picture here.
You may imagine someone real or imagined giving you what you need.
You may journal it.
Or you may simply write down the word of the quality you
need. Or draw a picture of it. Or make a collage.
When you do this, you are not waiting for someone else in real life to give you what you need. You are actually giving it to yourself.
Practice receiving what you need
When you start doing something new, which this may be for you, you may wonder if you’re doing it right, or wrong, or is it working. Those questions are natural as we can feel a little uncomfortable when we do something new. But you can put all those questions to one side.
Just have a go and notice what it’s like for you.
I encourage you to make this a practice you do several times a week, daily even. This increases your familiarity and comfort level with the exercise. It also helps to make the practice of giving yourself what you need more automatic.
A good time to practice it is when you feel yourself wishing for and wanting things to be different. In those moments, ask yourself if love is available for you here, what you are yearning for and open yourself to receiving what you need.
More important tips on how to fall in love with yourself after illness or injury
It helps to hold the intention ‘I can love myself again’ and ‘I’ll take action to help make that happen’.
Then take action to make that happen. This can be in addition to the exercise above. And these can be small actions of self-care: spending time in nature, setting an intention for your day, consciously noticing what goes well for you, asking a family member or friend to spend time with you, a bath, a cup of tea from your favourite mug, journaling, doing a favourite activity, etc. Whatever healthy act of self-care that you enjoy.
When you practice self-care, you are saying to yourself and the world, ‘I matter’ and ‘my needs are valid’.
Nurture your relationship with yourself daily. Be mindful of
self-criticism, calling yourself not-very-nice names, relying on others to feed
your self-worth and pleasing people.
Also be mindful to surround yourself with people who support and love you. Keep in mind they won’t be perfect at it and you may have to help them to help you.
Why you must fall in love with yourself after illness or injury
Because the most important relationship you have is with yourself.
Also, when you love yourself, you implicitly give the message to others, ‘Yes, I am worth loving.’ And this helps your sense of belonging.
What’s it like for you?
How have you found this exercise in self-love? What else is helping or has helped you to fall in love with yourself after illness or injury (even if it was a loved one’s)? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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A challenging health issue is often a wake-up call to
contribute to your health more mindfully and consistently. And there are many
things you can do to contribute to your health. In fact, if you read a lot of
the health and wellbeing articles in the press, you probably come across a lot
of information, some of it contradictory, and it can get confusing.
So I want to share a range of questions to help you think through what you can do to contribute to your health in a healthy way. You’ll also see how the questions demonstrate that health is multi-faceted. This is a framework to help you think through the actions you are taking (or not) rather than a top 10 hints and tips list.
Food, exercise and
lifestyle habits contribute to your health
Obvs! This is what we often first think of.
For example, the food you put in your body
Are you feeding yourself premium fuel or substandard fuel? I reckon you can discern between premium and substandard fuel food-wise and if you are unsure, speak with a qualified dietician or nutritional therapist.
We may also have to change what food we eat, how much, how
often and even how we take in food.
A challenging health issue can also exacerbate a not so healthy relationship with food. The shock and challenge of a big change in your health is a lot to bear. It is not uncommon for people to find emotional comfort in food. And I certainly don’t say that to judge. To just acknowledge that you are trying to cope.
How much can you/do you move?
How much you can physically move about now may have changed due to your or your loved one’s health issue. So there is something about being mindful of the amount you are eating. Does it correspond with the amount you’re moving?
Also, our lifestyle and how sedentary it is can have an
impact. If you can still move about as you did before your illness or injury,
is your lifestyle full of movement or more lifestyle?
If you have a physiotherapy routine to follow to maintain or regain functionality, do you follow it? Sometimes in physiotherapy we may not see much improvement but continuing with it despite that can help us regressing.
What are your lifestyle habits like?
Habits such as smoking, drinking alcohol excessively and snacking on sugary food may serve a purpose – providing a break, putting social anxiety to one side or give you emotional comfort for example. But in the long run how good are they for you? And I don’t say this to judge. I know very well what it’s like to have one of these habits. (I quit smoking in 2008.)
Managing your health issue
If you are dealing with a challenging health issue, how proactive are you at managing it?
What kind of relationship do you have with the health issue?
What kind of relationship do you have with your body now?
How closely do you listen to it?
How are you at managing symptoms? Do you take your
medications?
What are your expectations of treatment? Of a cure?
What kind of preparation do you do for your medical
appointments? How do you help the medical and healthcare profession to help you?
Note that everything else mentioned here can impact your health issue too.
The pursuit of health is so much more than our physical health
It’s also about how you tend to your inner world. I I think of this as physiotherapy for your heat, mind and soul.
Do you self-criticise yourself more than you show yourself
self-compassion?
What do you do to nurture your self-worth? Do you generate
your self-worth internally or are you relying on others to feed it? Or a
combination?
Do you know when get yourself into vicious circle patterns
of thinking and hence behaving?
What strategies do you use to get on with your life, people and situations which may no longer be serving you? Hint: Those people and situations that cause you a lot of stress.
Take the time to bathe in your self-worth
How much do you focus on the negative in your life as compared to the good and what makes you smile?
How often do you put your needs as ‘less than’ or on the
back burner in comparison to others’ needs? Do you know how to get your needs
met? Or are you just out of practice?
What level of control do you feel you have over yourself and
your life? Do you feel you can take control of things that matter to you and
what you want for yourself? Or is it down to others making things happen for
you?
What is your window of tolerance like for stressful
situations? What is happening when you easily snap? Or when you get through a stressful
situation pretty well?
To what degree do you feel you can learn to change things for the better? Or do you feel that isn’t possible?
Your relationships contribute to your health
What is the quality of your relationships? Are you satisfied
with the level of connection you have with people?
What kind of people do your surround yourself with? Do they
lift you up and support you? Or criticise you and generally don’t support you?
What kind of relationships might you need to let go of?
Do you have a network of people you can rely on for help?
Remember, it’s great to have several people as often times one person cannot
meet all of your needs. Keeping that in mind, who might be willing and able to
help you? And how can you help the people around you to help you?
Who isn’t a part of your life but you would like them to be?
What kind of relationships do you want going forwards?
Your job can impact how
healthy you feel
How does your job, whether paid or volunteer, meet your motivations for doing it?
We all have different motivations for doing the job we do.
Sometimes we do a job because it pays the bills which allows us to get loads of
satisfaction from our hobbies. Sometimes it gives us a sense of purpose in our
life. Or it gets us out and connecting with people.
Some jobs can demand a lot of you – whether it’s a hard
commute, long hours, lots of responsibility, not much resources to do the job,
stressful relationships, job security, or something else. This can have an
impact how healthy you feel – the level of stress, happiness in the job, etc.
You may have to address how you approach aspects of the job to manage the
impact of stress.
A lack of a job and experiencing difficulty finding one if you haven’t worked for some time or you experience discrimination in the recruitment process because of a disability can also have an impact.
And other aspects of your
life contribute to your health
Our hobbies, personal interests and activities can do so much for our mental health. I have already written about that here and here and I encourage you to read those blogs.
The impact of hobbies on our mental health is a virtuous circle.
Your physical environment can impact being able to get around and your level of independence. For example, you home may not be wholly accessible particularly if you use mobility aids. It may have mould which exacerbates existing health issues. It may not be in a great part of town. Or you may live in the country so have to drive everywhere but driving is an issue. Or maybe where you live is good for where you’re at in your life.
Our financial situation can contribute to your health
or not. Accessing benefits can be a stressful affair. Or trying to afford
equipment or having to move home to facilitate your independence. In some
countries it can be very difficult to afford the treatment and medication you
need to manage your health issue and have a quality of life.
The culture we were raised in and/or live in now and
expectations of us in that regard can have an impact. For example, a culture
may have a lot of stigma associated with an invisible illness or disability for
example. That can impact our stress levels, or whether or not we seek treatment
even.
If you subscribe to a faith or have another kind of spiritual practice, this can have an impact. For some people, it is of enormous benefit to them. For others it will not feature.
What do you find
meaningful in your life?
Even if you are stuck at home a lot more than you would like due to your or a loved one’s health issue, or your life isn’t quite what you had hoped for, what gives your life meaning?
What contributes to your life feeling like it’s a good one to be living? Even though you may have some tough stuff to deal with. It doesn’t have to be anything big or grand. It just has to suit you.
So how can you contribute
to your health in a healthy way?
Reflect on the questions above. Remember, you know yourself best and what you’re like. So it’s ok to be honest, it’s ok not to like some of your responses, and it’s ok to celebrate what you feel you are doing well.
If you are looking for a way to answer some of the questions above to assess where you are regarding how you contribute to your health, you can download the Wellness Appreciation Workbook. It’s a do-it-yourself exercise that helps you figure out where you are now and where you would like to be in the areas of your life mentioned above.
The workbook is very flexible. You can focus on one, two, some or all of the areas listed above and you can re-use the exercise in the workbook. Also, you don’t have to use the categories I mention here. Or you can use different names for them. You can adapt the exercise to suit you. And it’s free. You can get it here.
Get your free Wellness Appreciation workbook here
It helps you identify your levels of wellness in those areas of your life important to you and what you can do to increase them.
Your Wellness Assessment is on its way!
Heads up – when you download the Wellness Appreciation Workbook, it does subscribe you to the Return to Wellness newsletter, which I typically send out weekly (although not always). I do not sell or give your email to any third parties and you can unsubscribe at any time.
What’s it like for you?
What action might you take or stop to contribute to your health? And what support do you need to do that? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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How can there be a danger in the pursuit of health? Sometimes I wonder if it has become a bit like: “Here’s what you’ve been waiting for! Do X, Y and Z and you will be healthy!” A magical formula that gives quick results.
The pursuit of health is a great and meaningful aspiration, but…
We can end up pursuing health as if it’s a destination and with expectations of getting to that destination quickly. If it doesn’t happen quickly enough for our liking, we can quickly give up.
Also, what can happen when we arrive at our destination of health? Celebrate, of course. We did what we had to do to get here. We’ve made it! Hurrah!
But what happens next? For example, weight loss is a common
goal in the pursuit of health. After the holiday or special event you lost the weight
for, do you maintain the changes you made?
It’s not uncommon to see that once people lose the weight, they return to their previous habits. And eventually regain the weight. How many of you have found yourself in that cycle? Or a similar cycle regarding another change?
So I think we need to approach
the pursuit of health in a different way
I want to share four things you can reflect on to help you ensure your pursuit of health and wellness is a healthy one.
First, define what health
and being healthy mean for you
This is especially important when you or a loved one are living with a challenging health issue. It’s not uncommon to define health and being healthy as how you were and felt pre-illness or injury.
My recommendation is to be very careful in doing that. This
can be a double-edged sword.
Sometimes trying to get back to your ‘previous self’ can be
a source of positive motivation to look after yourself in healthy ways which
helps your rehabilitation.
What you don’t want to do is work to your pre-illness/injury expectations and personal standards to the point you experience a terrible quality of life. That can happen and can be a hard place to be. You can end up continually focusing on what you’ve lost rather than what you can be doing now. Read this blog if you are doing that.
Ask yourself: What kind of health can I have within the reality of my illness or injury?
This isn’t about having a lower level of health than you had before or being less healthy. That form of comparison can be emotionally draining.
It is about what being healthy and not healthy is like for
you now, as you are.
When you are living with the impact of a challenging health
issue, you have good days, so-so days and some downright awful days. Therefore,
your health and experience of being healthy fluctuates.
Answering this question in conjunction with your medical and healthcare team can also help you determine what is realistic and appropriate for you given the health issue you are dealing with. Or the health issue a loved one may be dealing with.
Second, health ensues
due to the action we take. We create the conditions for experiencing health (or
not)
It’s the same as with happiness. We create the conditions for our happiness. And those conditions are many. What contributes to your experience of health and feeling healthy is also multi-faceted. It is so much more than just our physical and mental health.
Note: There are some things which can have a negative impact on our mental and/or physical health which we cannot fully control. For example state systems regarding benefits, a relapse, or what other people say to us. What we can control is our response to these situations and people.
Third, ensure the actions
you’re taking in your pursuit of health and wellness are healthy actions
The actions we take to pursue health may not always be healthy for us. For example, the diet products that have no evidence base, or yo-yo dieting as mentioned above, or forgoing meals in an effort to lose weight, or doing too much exercise so we end up hurting ourselves, or completing disregarding the advice of your medical or healthcare team without giving it due consideration, or expecting results very quickly which could be unrealistic.
You can always double check your actions with experts and I recommend
this if your action involves your medical routine, change in medications, your
diet/nutrition and your psychological health.
And remember, your actions can be small. I often say that a range of small actions in various parts of our life can be a tidal wave of change for the good.
Fourth, the pursuit of health and wellness is an ongoing process
There is no end destination. Health and wellness are resources readily available to us. It’s up to us to create the conditions, to take actions which are within our control and influence, for them to flourish for our benefit. Whilst keeping in mind our health and wellness will fluctuate over time.
What’s it like for you?
How do you think about the pursuit of health and wellness? How has your definition of health and being healthy changed over the years? What’s it like now? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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You can make your new years resolutions successful by doing three easy things. If you set resolutions now or at another time of the year, chances are you want to succeed at achieving them. Yet sometimes things get in the way which means you don’t, despite well-meaning efforts you made. This happens a lot. It has happened to me.
I want to share these three things as it’s not any kind of secret, but I notice a lot of people often don’t follow them. They’re important as it’s about laying the foundation for a resolution which will help you get what you want for yourself and your life this year.
Note: For some people the word ‘resolution’ really grates. Use the word that works for you. Goal. Objective. Intention. Possibility. Something else. I’m going to use the word resolution. Also, some people don’t set resolutions at New Year’s. That’s fine. What I write here applies at any time of the year.
The first thing to do to make your new years resolutions successful
Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want
When we want to do, think or feel something different, we often phrase it as
I don’t want…
There is a focus on what we don’t want or what we want to
lose. Understandable. It’s a good starting point.
You need to balance that by also focusing on what you want
instead.
Because when you take something away – i.e. what you don’t
want to be doing – putting something in its place will help you know what to
focus on.
If you don’t do this, you can end up focusing your energies on what you no longer want rather than moving towards what you do want. And this is when people tend to give up.
Here’s an example
Not be so critical of myself.
That’s a very common new year resolution. The danger is leaving it like that. You risk just saying, ‘Don’t be so critical of yourself!’ when you notice yourself being self-critical. You end up criticising yourself for being self-critical. Not helpful.
Think about what you want to be doing instead and include specific behaviours
To make your new years resolutions successful you can reword them to include specific behaviours of what you will be doing differently. For example:
When I notice myself being self-critical, I will tell myself, ‘Oh hey, there I go again.’ I will also smile as a way of showing myself self-compassion.
The second thing to do to make your new years resolutions successful
Figure out how you will incorporate what you want to do into your daily routine
This is important. So many people don’t think about this up front. They may have the resolution to ‘get fit’, they get a gym membership, go to the gym after work, do this for a few weeks in January, then stop because at the end of the work day they are so tired and just want to veg out in front of the tv. Or they have kids to put to bed.
If you give a bit of thought as to what action you can take and when during your day, it can help you figure out if your resolution is realistic. Or do you need to adapt it in some way so it is more achievable for you.
For example, I learned that I either have to live close to a gym, less than a mile walk, or I have to have a mini gym in my house. As I don’t live close to a gym, I opted for the mini gym in the house.
It is also a trial and error process. I learned I have to work out first thing in the morning after waking up and before any coffee or breakfast. The workout gets the highest priority. If I do that, the workout gets done.
Be open to trial and error
If it doesn’t work out the first time, don’t give up. Just find another way. You will eventually land on a way that works for you.
Remember, when you were a baby, you didn’t walk perfectly or eat well with a spoon the first time you attempted it. It probably too you several weeks to months to learn.
The third thing to do to make your new years resolutions successful
Make your resolution specific
The other thing we often don’t do is make the goal specific. Let’s go back to the examples we used previously.
Not be so critical of myself.
versus
When I notice myself being self-critical, I will tell myself,
‘Oh hey, there I go again.’ I will also smile as a way of showing myself
self-compassion.
The first one feels kind of big. When something feels big, it can sometimes feel overwhelming. Too big to start making a change.
But when you break the resolution down into smaller actions, it can feel so much more do-able and manageable. That’s a key ingredient to make your new years resolutions successful.
The second resolution above is a good example of that. It outlines specific things the person will do so she is no longer so critical of herself.
Keep your actions small
Specific actions are naturally smaller actions and these help you make your new years resolutions successful.
I was working with carers not long ago and a common goal they
often have is to get fit. When we broke that goal down, taking more exercise
became an important component. But the carers were worried whether they would
actually take the time to exercise. So I said do it for 5 minutes at the start.
That’s all.
When I re-introduced exercise back into my life in 2018, the first routine I did was 6 minutes long. That’s it. Since then, I’ve slowly built up the amount of time I exercise. I dropped a dress size in the past year, my body shape has changed, and my cardio function has improved.
These are the benefits of keeping your resolutions small
Specific actions are naturally smaller actions and these help you make your new years resolutions successful.
A small (tiny even) action enables you to get started. Getting started is important.
It’s easier to take smaller action as it may not take as much time. So you’re more likely to keep taking the action(s) which makes it easier to build habits. Habits are good for lasting change.
Smaller actions allow you to work to a pace you are capable of and comfortable with given everything else going on in your life. It may mean change happens more slowly, but chances are much greater it will be long lasting change.
There is another reason why specific and small
actions are important
When you or a loved one is dealing with a challenging health issue, you are dealing with some big changes. And all you want is to get your life back and feel like yourself again.
It can feel overwhelming. My clients have said this to me. I have personally experienced this.
Specific and small actions help you to not pile expectations
onto yourself. But to take things at a gentler pace.
Small is good, achievable and gentle.
What’s it like for you?
What do you think will help you to make your new years resolutions successful? What has worked in the past for you? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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You’ve tried to change your snacking habit and you may have
made improvements at times, but they don’t seem to have lasted for very long. You
end up dissatisfied and maybe even angry with yourself.
After all, you’re on a quest to improve your health because
you’re dealing with your own or a loved one’s health issue. Or you just want to
be and feel healthier. Also, if your snacking habit is a sugary one, that can
have an impact on symptoms you or a loved one may be living with.
This is a common issue people have. I’ve been working with carers over the past year and more than one person has this issue on every course I do. So here I share what you can do to change your snacking habit for the better.
Note that this blog is
less about the surface level things you can do to change your snacking habit
The internet is awash with it. It’s the hints and tips like don’t go down the snack aisle in the supermarket, limit what snacks you do buy, or substitute the chocolate and crisps with grapes, cucumbers and unsalted nuts. You know this stuff already.
What I offer here is an opportunity for you to dig a little a deeper. To get closer to the root cause of why it may have been hard to change your snacking habit.
You can’t look at snacking
in isolation
To change your snacking habit for the better and for the long-term, it really helps to examine your relationship with
Food
Your emotions
Your body
Life events both positive and negative, small
and large, past and present
You do that because snacking could be serving a purpose
That purpose could be connected to your relationship with food, how you view your body, your emotions, or it could be connected to something which happened to you in your life or even your present-day circumstances. These four areas can influence one another.
Sometimes people snack because they are bored. Snacking is
something to do.
Or they snack alongside another activity – working on the
computer, watching tv, driving. In this case, cares I’ve worked with described
the snacking as ‘mindless’, i.e. they weren’t thinking about it. When you don’t
think about it, you can very quickly go through a packet of biscuits or a bag
of sweets.
Or snacking can provide comfort when you’re feeling down or
upset.
Snacking could also be a distraction from difficult emotions and feelings which may be related to how you feel about yourself generally, an earlier life event or present-day circumstances.
Or maybe you grew up having a snack after school and have
continued that tradition into adulthood even if you’re not hungry at that time.
Or you don’t like your body, you ignore it, and snacking is one way of dealing with that.
How to become aware of the purpose of snacking for you
When you next go for a snack,
notice how you’re feeling.
Bored, restless for some reason, wanting to ignore a difficult task/project/activity you’re meant to do, you just had an argument, you did something well and want an award, something else?
This is about noticing your
triggers.
Next time you go to get a snack, pause.
Give yourself a couple of minutes to notice what is triggering you. Notice what you’re telling yourself. And how you feel. You can even write this down including the time of day. If you do this over a period of time, you may start to notice patterns.
When you are eating the snack,
what is that like for you?
How do you feel then? Satisfied? Disappointed? You’re not noticing anything?
What are you telling yourself?
What are the downsides of eating the snack? And the benefits?
As you’re snacking, you can write
the responses to these questions. At this stage it is all about noticing
without the intention of changing anything. You just want to raise your
awareness and identify any patterns in your snacking.
Raising your level of awareness can be enough to help you move forward with changing your snacking habit.
But the following is good if you are finding it hard to change your snacking habit.
What can be particularly
helpful to change your snacking habit
Go back to the trigger for wanting a snack in the first place. Notice if you experience any sensations in your body as well. Do you feel anything in your legs, feet, stomach, solar plexus, chest, hands, arms, shoulders, back, neck, head, somewhere else?
Notice the sensation you feel. Is
it a buzzy feeling, or more like shocks, a wave, or like knots, rocks, ache,
hot, cold, something else? It can be anything. Or you may feel nothing.
Notice how big or small the
sensation feels. Even if you feel nothing. What shape does it take? How much
space does it occupy in that part of your body?
What colour is it? Does it have a
texture, and if so, what is it like?
If this sensation could speak, what
would it say?
Sometimes emotions accompany this. And that’s ok. It’s actually very valuable information so if emotions do appear, give them space to be there without judging them.
That sounds a little bit woo woo, what are you having me do?
If a habit like snacking is difficult to shift, the underlying reason could be resting in your body somewhere. By working with the bodily sensation, we are by-passing the rational mind which can be quick to discount and question everything. When the rational mind gets out of control like that, it can get in the way of us making change for ourselves.
Also, working with our
bodies in addition to our minds is a holistic approach to change
In our society, we are sometimes very quick to discount our body and all the information it contains. People often think they are in full control of their bodies.
But given you have dealt with or are dealing with a challenging health issue, or know someone who is, you know that is not the case. There is a wealth of information in our bodies so it’s important to tap into that so we can best help ourselves.
When you work with your body in this way, you can discover what the various parts of you need. If you are not used to identifying the bodily sensations you feel and working with them, this may take some practice. And that is ok. It is a skill that can be learned. And you don’t have to get this ‘perfect’ or ‘right’. Fumbling along is normal and acceptable!
If you feel nothing, sit a while longer. If you still feel nothing, it could be that this is a skill to develop. Or it could be a sensation of numbness.
When reading that it might be numbness, if you feel a reaction to that, it could be numbness you are feeling. And you may feel numb for any number of reasons.
A question to ask yourself is, ‘What could I be numbing?’ An answer may not appear readily. That’s ok. Just let that question percolate for a while and something may come to you.
If an answer does spear, it may be in the form of images, thoughts, events you remember and/or other sensations.
Identifying
what you really need
You’ve identified the bodily sensation, its colour, texture, shape, how much space it occupies and even what it could say if it had a voice.
What does this part of you want?
What is driving this want? Is
anything missing?
If you could have what you want, or what is missing, what would it be? What would having that give you?
Change your snacking habit by bringing more of what you want or what is missing into your life
How can you bring more of what you want or what is missing into your life?
When people share what that part of them wants, what is missing, I hear things like:
‘A hug.’
‘Love me.’
‘You were a little girl. It wasn’t your fault.’
‘Please slow down.’
‘Don’t take on anything else right now.’
‘I’m tired.’
‘Pay attention to me.’
That’s really important information. Many times it’s a plea for self-nurturing, acknowledgement or recognition. There’s this part of us that hasn’t been seen, heard or understood for some time. What you can do now is look at ways of bringing more of what that part of you needs and wants.
Sometimes when we examine and feel into everyday habits we do without thinking, like snacking, we discover a doorway to something much more meaningful and fulfilling.
What’s it like for you?
What purpose does snacking play in your life? What strategies have you used to help you change that habit? What’s worked? What hasn’t? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
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Figuring out how to deal with your life now versus how it should be can be hard. Frustrating. Sad. Something has happened to you and your life that wasn’t in the plan. And it means that the life you had planned for yourself – your life how it should be – may no longer be possible.
Maybe what has happened was a challenging health issue has come into your or a loved one’s life. Your life or theirs may be changed forever as a result. Or maybe it’s a relationship betrayal or breakdown, redundancy, bankruptcy, move to a new home/city/country, or even the death of someone close to you. Or your life just hasn’t panned out in the way you had hoped for any number of reasons.
So how do you deal with your life now versus how it should be?
The clue on how to deal
with your life now versus how it should be is in that title
Look at the words
‘your life now versus how it should be’
There are two things happening in those words. I’m going to outline what they are and what you can do to reconcile the differences to help you deal with your life now versus how it should be.
First, what is the
‘versus’ like for you?
When at a sporting event or playing a game, we use the word ‘versus’ to indicate two teams playing ‘against’ each other. The versus has connotations of winning and losing. One team will win the other will lose.
We then take that versus and use it on other areas of our
lives. A union versus the government. You versus your boss. Boys versus girls.
In relation to how to deal with your life now versus how it
should be, what is the energy in the versus for you?
Does the ‘versus’ feel like a fight? One that you aren’t winning? Are you in this perpetual state of losing? Or something else?
Sometimes, the use of the word ‘should’ can fuse these two – what was expected to happen was the right thing to happen.
But there can be difficulty when the ‘should’ becomes a
rule
When a person holds on tightly to what they consider the right and appropriate thing to do or be, that is when ‘should’ becomes more like a rule. The harder the person holds on to that ‘should’, the more fixed it becomes as a rule.
We often inherent such rules from the primary caregivers in our families of origin. Your mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, even teachers and friends’ parents. When we inherited them, they were useful at that time.
So how do you reconcile the differences between your life now and how it should be?
Because sometimes the should you learned in childhood was appropriate for that stage of your life but isn’t now. But you may learned the should more recently from people around you or even social media. Do this by asking yourself:
If someone from my past would have said this, who would that be?
If I learned this should more recently, from who or where did I learn it?
Is it helpful for me and my life to continue operating to this should?
If you’ve identified someone and you’ve realised it’s no
longer helpful to carry around this should, then you can give that should back
to them (on an energetic level).
Also, whenever you notice yourself using the word ‘should’ to show what is right, appropriate and correct, replace it with the word ‘could’. Notice what that is like for you.
Check the kind of energy
you are putting into the ‘versus’
Is it the kind of energy where you feel like you are fighting to get to your life as it ‘should’ be but you’re not getting anywhere?
What if you were to let go of that fight and just be with
how your life is now?
I appreciate that this can be a big ask because some
situations are very tough to be in. As a start, just put the fight to one side
for a bit and notice what that is like for you. You can return to it if you
choose to.
So why did I suggest putting the fight to one side?
Check if you’re in the grip of ‘comparsion-itis’
Comparison is a common strategy people use to deal with their life now versus how it should be.
If you are constantly comparing your life as it is now
versus how it should be, you are not happy with your life now and you are happy
with the vision and hopes of how your life should be, yeah, that is gonna be
hard. It can feel very negative.
Sometimes your life how it should be is your pre-illness/injury life and you are striving to get back to that. Reading this blog will also help.
That kind of constant comparison is energy draining. Your
life now will never be good enough. And do you want to live your life like
that?
I reckon you are probably shaking your head no.
So change the nature of the comparison you’re making as you deal with your life now versus how it should be
Your life ‘as it should be’ could be something in the future. It may be possible to achieve, it may not. Or maybe something in the middle of those two is achievable.
If the life you have dreamt for yourself is truly not
possible, then mourn that loss
It’s a very real loss. Although our western society doesn’t always embrace or even allow mourning, it is a legitimate and healthy thing to do. And you can mourn without unpacking and living in it forever and ever. When you mourn you are honouring someone or something you valued. That is ok to do. It also helps to put an end to unhealthy comparison.
Reflect on the possibility of creating a life that is somewhere between, even beyond, the life you have now and the life you had hoped for
Depending on what you had hoped for in your life, how can
you create it or aspects of it now in the life you do have? It may take a
different form. It may take more effort on your part to make happen. It may
take a while to make happen. But what are the possibilities? And what actions
can you start taking to make them happen? However small those actions may be.
This is about purposefully creating the life you want given
everything that you have dealt with and may have to deal with.
These possibilities can be flexible and adaptable goals. I use the words flexible and adaptable to highlight that you may need to be open to changing how you reach the goal, aspects of the goal or even the goal itself. This can help lessen a ‘rule fixed should’ taking hold.
Reading this related blog on finding the new you after a difficult experience like the onset of a challenging health issue or something else, will also help.
If it’s not yet possible to create the life you want, then notice the good in your life now and what makes you smile
That may sound really cliched, but it has value because it’s true.
Maybe you are dealing with a lot of uncertainty so until some of that lessens you can’t say what you want your life to be like or you know but don’t have the energy to create it just yet. For example, when you’re in the acute phase of a challenging health issue and having treatment, or in a flare, or even for situations such as divorce, bankruptcy, redundancy, something else.
So take a deep breath.
Let go of the struggle.
Notice the small, even tiny things that make you smile and remind you of the good in the world.
Someone who smiles at you on the street. A funny meme on social media. The bird outside your house. The sun shining. A hug a loved one gives you. A cup of tea someone makes for you or you make for them. A news story about something someone did that was kind.
Just keep noticing those small things day-in and day-out, day after day. That helps you to keep some good in your life which helps to keep a sense of balance. It also makes sure you don’t forget how to notice the good things, which is so important.
Finally, if comparison-it is ever starts to take hold…
Remind yourself that you only need to compare you and your life to the you and your life of yesterday.
What’s it like for you?
What resonated with you in this blog? In learning how to deal with your life now versus how it should be, what would help you? Or has helped? Share your thoughts or questions in the comments below or alternatively email them to me (contact form in sidebar).
If you are living with a challenging health issue or are caring for someone who is, and would like support on any of the issues discussed here, have a look at how we can work together and get in touch for a free no obligation consultation.
Pass it forward
Know someone who would benefit from reading this blog, or you just want to spread the ideas, click on the icons to share.
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